Hi. My name is Jason. I'm hiking the AT with these guys. I’m going to introduce myself now.
JASON FACTS:
1. First things first: I don’t like to eat
fish or any other seafood. This
did not go over great in Korea.
One time at lunch, we probably had some gross fish soup, which I was not
eating. But we also had some dried
seaweed, which I was also not eating.
My co-teacher knew I didn’t like fish, so he tried to get me to meet him
halfway by eating the seaweed, as a cultural exchange, perhaps. But I was having none of it, so he said
to me, ‘Jason, you hate the sea.’
I thought about this for a second, and then said, ‘Yes. I do.’
2. I have remarkably soft skin. Seriously, next time you’re around I’ll
let you touch my hand. You’ll say
something like, ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhh.’
And I’ll be all, ‘Told you.’
3. For a while during second grade I
apparently really liked Michael J. Fox’s character on the show, ‘Family Ties,’
and insisted on wearing clip-on ties to school. I have no memory of this myself, but my mom swears I did.
There. Now you know three things about
me. That should do it. But you should probably know a little
bit about who I am on the inside, where my feelings live. So I’ll tell you a few stories from my
formative years.
JASON STORIES:
When I was a kid I would
spend my summers at my grandparents’ farm in rural Wisconsin. It was pretty great. I had a pellet gun, and got pretty
sweet at shooting aluminum cans.
The chickens knew to steer clear of me because I was such a badass with
it. They were clearly intimidated. This is not relevant to the story; just
wanted to brag. Anyway, my
grandparents, Clarence and Regina, enjoyed lying to me, their trusting and
innocent young grandchild. There
are three lies that they told me that I will always remember.
1. I could be electrocuted if I ran
through a lawn sprinkler. And so I
never have, and I don’t think I ever will. Because…what if?
You know?
2. They once told me that I needed to take
a nap, because we were all going to bingo that night. And I said, ‘Nope, He-Man is on today. I can’t take a nap while He-Man is
on? Are you guys insane? I flipping love He-Man.’ (paraphrasing). So they tell me He-Man wasn’t going to
be on television that day, so I needed to take a nap. I was confused, because I knew when He-Man was on. I watched it every day. I flipping loved He-Man, like I said. But they’re my grandparents, and they
must know, and would never ever lie to me about something that I flipping love,
right? But at bingo, my cousin
Jamie told me that He-Man was totally on that day, and they just told me it
wasn’t so I would take a nap and not be all tired and whiney while they played
bingo, which they flipping loved as much as I loved He-Man. This was the point in life where I
learned what crushing disappointment and betrayal felt like.
3. One summer, Clarence and Regina gave me
a pig, which is a terrible pet for a kid.
It would just hang out in its pen, laying around, not being a dog or a
cat or something fun like that, because it’s a pig. So I named it Oscar, after Oscar The Grouch, obviously. I was just as clever and witty then as
I am now. One day at the end of
the summer, my grandparents tell me that they’re selling Oscar to that
infamous, ‘family down the road,’ and then they give me sixty bucks. And later Jamie (again) tells me that
they sold him to a slaughterhouse.
But I didn’t care by that point, because I had already become jaded and
mistrustful of the world. And you
know, sixty bucks is a lot of money for a kid. And pigs are terrible pets.
There. Now you know everything about me. Goodbye.
